Hopefully by now we’re all at least familiar with the term “consent.”

But even if we know what consent is, it’s still pretty common for our understanding to stay in our heads, rather than in our bodies.

A lot of the time, consent is taught as something we talk about. One person asks for something, the other says yes or no, and that’s it. We’ve had the conversation, and we move on to whatever’s next.

But here’s the thing: consent isn’t just about words.

It’s also something we feel in our bodies. It’s a full-body experience—something that goes way beyond just saying yes or no. When we only think about consent in a mental or verbal way, we can miss out on noticing what our bodies are telling us. And that’s where most of the real consent actually happens.

What is consent?

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Let’s start with the basics.

In the simplest terms, consent is giving permission or approval for something to happen. When you’re having sex, consent is the permission to perform a sexual act or an agreement to have a sexual experience. 

But what’s missing here is the feeling of wanting or desire. 

What is compliance?

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Compliance is when someone goes along with something—even if they don’t really want to—because they feel pressure, fear, guilt, obligation, or just want to avoid conflict.

When defined just by approval or compliance, consent exists only as a concept in our heads and it’s kept very surface level. We can approve things quite easily on a rational, mental level, without ever checking in with how it actually feels. 

And when we think about compliance being apart of consent, we can also see how we can just as easily comply with something, without actually wanting or desiring that thing. If compliance is part of the consent definition, then we can actually consent to things, through compliance, that aren’t at all part of our wanting or our desire.

When we only think about consent as something that happens mentally—like just saying yes or no—it becomes easier for other people to influence or pressure us.

If consent is rushed or only about giving a quick answer, without checking in with how we actually feel in our bodies, it’s easier for us to feel disconnected from our own wants and needs. We’re often taught to explain away our feelings and make decisions based only on what sounds logical—even if something feels off.  That’s when we are likely to feel uncomfortable setting our own boundaries.

If the definition included “to give permission based on wanting or desire,” this would drastically change the way we understand and give consent, in the context of sex and in the rest of our lives. Consent would have embodiment worked right into the definition, and it would slow things down and make it harder for us to be talked into or out of things. 

Changing how we understand consent

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Firstly, if consent was defined by wanting or desire, “compliance” would be taken right out of any conversation around consent. 

If consent is about wanting, then consent could never be compliance, because to comply with something is a very passive experience of“going along with something” regardless of how you feel about it.

If consent is about wanting or desire, then consent is not passive at all, it’s actually extremely active. Consent becomes an active experience of feeling. 

So, is it ever actually consent then if wanting and desire are not present? 

If consent is embodied, if it’s about how we feel about something rather than what we think about something, then consent can never happen without wanting. 

If consent is embodied, then it must concern the body’s response to the thing.

Consent must be a yes both from the mind and from the body. In order to be consent, it must be a full body yes. 

So, to give consent then, we have to be aware of what our full body “Yes” feels like in our body, and just as importantly, we have to be very familiar with how our body says “No.”

So, what does consent feel like in your body? What does consent feel like for you? How are you able to give consent, or not give consent, based on what you’re actually feeling?

And, most importantly, what does consent with yourself feel like?

Stay tuned for part 2 on tips to answer these questions and explore what consent feels like for you, in your body.

Written by Taylor Neal
‍Embodied Counsellor and Trainee Sexologist