The eternal question. It’s what we ask ourselves and our partners from the moment we begin having sex. And though it can feel like life would be so much easier if we knew the answer from the start, it’s rarely that simple.
We’re constantly discovering our turn-ons, and a great place to start this discovery can often be during foreplay.
What is foreplay?
A quick google search might tell you that foreplay is the same as ‘outercourse’ - in other words, the physical activity that comes before sex. But this definition is not only completely heteronormative and outdated - it’s also just one small part of the story!
Foreplay is more than just physical. It’s a mental game where we learn the rules of how to play, who to play with, and what it takes to reach the finish line.
Broadly, we can split foreplay into three different categories: energetic, sensual, and sexual. Understanding these different categories can help you to understand what you like, and gain inspiration for what you might like to try in the future…
What is Energetic Foreplay?
Energetic foreplay is the unsung hero of arousal, engaging the mind and body to build anticipation long before physical touch.
Energetic foreplay could include:
Flirting and Playful Banter: Flirting is the foundation of energetic foreplay. Try leaning in a little closer, making a teasing comment, or casually touching their arm throughout your conversation. Remember: flirting isn’t always about what you say, but how you say it - a casual ‘I’m so happy we met tonight’ can be instantly elevated by a subtle smirk, a sultry tone, and some serious eye contact
Sharing New Experiences: in the world of dating, novelty is key, and studies suggest that the more unique date ideas are often better opportunities to bond. A 2018 study found that we are psychologically more attracted to people with whom we share traits or experiences that we view as ‘rare’ - so, getting tickets for that quirky date night which you found through TikTok might actually make for a great first meeting.
Finding Privacy in Public: Whilst on a public date, it can be super sexy to create a private moment between yourself and your partner. This could include whispering a desire into their ear or sharing an inside joke or secret.
Energetic foreplay is ultimately the foundation of sexual tension. It helps to keep passion alive at all stages of a relationship, with infinite opportunities to keep intimacy feeling fresh and exciting.
What is Sensual Foreplay?
Sensual foreplay focuses on engaging the senses to build tension. It’s about immersing yourself in the experience through touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound to focus on every individual sensation.
Setting the mood lighting: Setting the right lighting in the bedroom can increase confidence and self-esteem whilst making your experience feel cinematic. In fact, a report by ElectricalDirect analyzed the color codes of the most notorious sex scenes in movies and television. According to the data, 52% of the scenes used a warm hue, with a caramel shade of brown snatching the winning spot. Blue and purple also came close behind - sorry red, but it seems you’re out.
Play with hot and cold: Temperature play can heighten sensitivity and create a range of exciting sensations. You could try running an ice cube along your partner’s skin, or taking a steamy shower together. Alternating between hot and cold can heighten sensitivity in the best possible way.
What is Sexual Foreplay
Sexual foreplay is the final bridge between desire and intimacy (if you choose to take things further!). It’s not just about physical touch - it’s about awakening the body, building excitement, and heightening anticipation.
Sexual foreplay could include:
Kissing: Kissing releases chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, which can encourage feelings of connection, affection, and pleasure. Slow, deep kisses, playful nibbles, and varied pressures and intensities can keep things exciting.
Talking: Moans, groans, and a playful ‘Do you like that?’ can all turn up the heat. Talking with your partner about what feels good (and what doesn’t) can be just as sexy—and it helps make sure you’re both on the same page.
Light Touch & Teasing: Light, lingering touches could include running fingers along the neck, tracing patterns on the skin, or giving barely-there kisses along the body to charge your experience.
Over-the-Clothes Stimulation: It might sound counter-intuitive, but extending the amount of time spent with your clothes on can really help to build a sense of craving. Running your hands over your clothing or letting your fingers linger above sensitive areas can create a sense of anticipation to touch even more.
Manual & Oral Stimulation: Using your hands and mouth to give pleasure might count as foreplay to you, or it might count as sex itself - there’s no strict rules, and no one else can draw that personal definition but you! Either way, the key here is variation: changing speed, pressure, and technique based on your partner’s reactions can boost arousal and maintain excitement!
Overall, sexual foreplay is whatever you make it - just remember to communicate, do what feels good, and take it at whatever pace makes you feel most comfortable.
Takeaway Top Tips
Good foreplay doesn’t rush; it lingers, explores, and teases, ensuring all partners are physically and mentally engaged before potentially progressing into deeper intimacy.
Good foreplay also requires consent. Throughout your foreplay experience, both partners should feel comfortable, enthusiastic, and consent every step of the way. If you’re ever unsure whether your partner wants to keep going—just ask! Talking it out is sexy. And remember, it’s just as important to pay attention to body language. If your partner seems uncomfortable or hesitant, take the lead and check in. They might prefer to slow down or stop—and that’s okay.
It’s also good to note that you don’t need to use every form of foreplay when having sex - your preferences and expectations are personal, and it’s always best to communicate with your partner as your relationship progresses.
Finally, if everyone’s feeling the foreplay and the night’s going well, always carry protection to be prepared.
