How to Show Up For Survivors of Sexual Violence

Experiencing sexual violence is a traumatic event that can leave survivors feeling incredibly overwhelmed, isolated, stressed, and depressed for long periods of time.

As a friend or family member of a survivor, it can feel impossible to know what to do to help, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with sexual violence. There are some baseline tips to understanding and supporting survivors though – so let’s explore.

1. Tell them you believe them.

This feels simple, but so many survivors don’t share what happened to them because they are afraid that others won’t believe them.

If someone you know tells you that they experienced sexual violence, tell them that you believe them, and that you appreciate them sharing this with you.

If you don’t know how to respond (which is normal!), here are a few simple, helpful statements:

❤️ "This is not your fault."
❤️ "I believe you."
❤️ "What would feel most supportive right now?"
❤️ "I'm here for you, whatever you need."
❤️ "Thank you for trusting me with this."
❤️ "How can I best support you?"

‍It’s important to allow the survivor to lead this conversation. Let them share as much or as little as they feel comfortable sharing – and try not to ask questions.

Even with the best of intentions, when we ask questions during a disclosure, sometimes the survivor can feel like we are questioning their experience or that their experience was only harmful if it fits a specific narrative (for example, if the person who caused harm was a stranger instead of someone they know, which is actually much more likely).

2. Remember that they know what’s best for them, and support that.

When we know that someone we love is hurting, it’s natural to want to solve the problem for them or somehow take away their pain. You might have the instinct to encourage them to report what happened or to seek out specific support – like therapy or a local community group. It’s helpful to talk through the options available, but it’s important to let the survivor make their own decisions about what they want to do next.

After experiencing sexual violence, many survivors feel a loss of control over their life – because what happened was a deeply painful experience that they could not control.

If they don’t want to report what happened, that’s a valid choice. If they aren’t ready to reach out for professional help right now, that’s okay. They might change their mind later, and they might not. The best thing you can do for them is let them know that you support whatever decision they make.

3. Challenge rape culture in your day-to-day life.

Supporting survivors in our lives is incredibly important – but we don’t always know if someone we care about is a survivor. Another important piece of the puzzle is to think about why sexual violence happens, and how we can help prevent it from happening.  

We live in something called a ‘rape culture’, which is a society where sexual violence is excused or seen as normal. In these spaces, we are taught a lot of different social norms about gender, power, sex, and marginalized identities that blame people who experience harm, and allow people who cause harm to walk away without being held accountable for their actions.

_{Some ways that we can challenge this in our lives are:}

• Letting go of strict gender roles and embracing the fluidity of gender. This can help reduce gender-based violence and make it easier for male survivors to seek support.

• Calling out jokes that make light of sexual violence. Even a simple ‘that’s not funny’ can help create a shift.

• Respect people’s boundaries without questioning them or pushing them. Normalizing saying ‘no’ and respecting that ‘no’ helps build a culture of consent.

• Asking friends before posting photos of them or sharing messages with others – consent matters in digital spaces too!

• Questioning media that romanticizes jealousy, control, or possessiveness as love.

• Making space for survivors to share their experiences and amplify their voices – especially those with marginalized identities such as Indigenous women, 2SLGBTQIA+ folks, racialized women, and more.

• Avoiding gossip or speculation about someone’s sexual history – everyone deserves to express their sexuality in ways that feel good to them. If everything is safe and consensual, that’s all that matters!

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At the end of the day, supporting survivors in your life isn’t about having the perfect words or knowing exactly what to do. What matters the most is showing up with care, respect, and a willingness to listen.

By believing survivors, respecting their choices, and speaking up against harm in everyday moments, we are taking steps to create a culture where survivors are not only supported, but where less harm happens in the first place.

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Written by Niko Coady, founder of Campus Consent Culture